Am I Bipolar?

A month before I wouldn't have asked that question, because I didn't know what it meant, neither had i really heard about it. Thanks to a coincidence,I know it. If I know it, why the question "am I"? I guess I don't know it enough and the answer I feel now is yes. Thought i better invite some opinions on me.

Let us start, from the story of how i came across this question. One day, I was just bored lying around in the bed watching and refreshing my facebook as always... the feed was getting pretty boring, i just dropped into another timepass which i had discovered not so long ago.. Omegle. Frankly I was surprised by the person who showed it to me, it really changed my opinion about him. That's another story, another episode, somewhere in my autobiography if i ever get to write it.

So what you find in Omegle is generally a lot of ppl who want to make full use of anonymous random chat to unleash their inner beast and fantansies. The concept of talking to strangers and making friends is generally hard to find. But then at times, the search for it is so easy since mostly it won't go a lot beyond two sentences unless they are around interested in finding the random stranger to just talk. Again what omegle is doesn't look like the heading of my post.

So this day I lie around i guess it should have been a saturday night because i remember it was going pretty late already, and the friday was an amazing day and i wouldn't sit late unless it is a saturday or friday... :) So I get bored of just refreshing my FB page, I go to Omegle searching for people who don't disconnect after two lines. I was about to get bored of that as well and planning to go into the sweet slumber, when I meet this 15 yr old from england who seem to be someone like me, interested in talking with a random stranger out of boredom. The conversation goes on, i find that by coincidence I have someone who thinks like me and surprisingly young and sensible. So I like find people who like to think like I think, because they are hard to find. Yup, I know what you are thinking. Yes I do think pretty weird for a majority around the world. So in the end, I found a friend from half way around the world(may be just 1/3rd around the world by location). I am certainly still impressed by what i know of this friend, but that again is not a reason why i wrote this blog. I'm just getting distracted and distracted. Let me try getting back to the Topic.

So I end up finding the blog of my friend. How did I end i finding it? To be frank, it wasn't hard. I happened to check out new and "3rd" person to follow my blog. Wow! I fell upon not just a blog but another fact. Yes,  My new friend was bipolar. So this induces the natural question in me, What is "Bipolar Disorder"? Then my recent natural habit, when I come across new stuff happened. What was it? Yes, of course, Putting the word "Bipolar Disorder" in google and clicking on the Wiki link that comes up. Why don't i do the Wiki search than search in google and click the link. It has been a habit or i enjoy autocorrect option or just love the plain google search too much, may be the easiness of googling from chrome. (I hate the fact that i am dependant on the fact that I'm so dependant on a company named after a typo founded by Larry Page and Sergey Brin.) I'm drifting from the topic again.

So as I read through the explanation put together by people collaborative effort founded by Jimmy Wales. I end up asking myself the Title of this post. Why I asked that question, is a fact that still evades me. I guess I might be either being a hypochondriac or I am thinking right? That is a question I still need to find answer on.. and I don't expect a Yes or no answer by the end of this post. Currently the scope of this post is just the search for the answer and putting together my thoughts on Bipolar disorder. Now that I'm aware of something called "Bipolar Disorder", let me being on the better of the two insane options i have here. Being a hypochondriac.

I will not rather go through the painful reasoning why I think myself is bipolar. But I guess I had rather take another path of discovering what is Bipolar and my own speculations and thoughts on seeing it differently or rather put in my weird thought on it. I know i might not be really understand the issue and here i take disclaimer for the information on this blog once again. These are my thoughts and might not be correct, be free to put forward your views on the comments.

So the google definition of Bipolar goes like this "Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick" The courtesy goes to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov I believe.

I wonder how come the random switching of moodswings is so much of big issue. I might be being optimistic  but definitely i guess the people who fit this description are people who have a higher range of moods. That can be positive too. With the ability of going to the extremes and think well too. Yes, I do wonder why depression is considered as a condition. I know the bad effects of depression like suicidal tendency. But the mind of an individual is his/her individuality. The fact that his/her mind is different from a big majority doesn't mean that it is mind that needs to be faulty. Yes. I'm trying to prove that thinking weird isn't the meaning that there is something wrong with the mind. Tell me a good reason why being different is Crazy.

I'm rather worried about how world considers a Psychiatric patient. Why should you consider a person who is crazy different from a person who has a heart problem or a fever patient. The biggest issue with the mind is not the problem, but the way the people around you sees you. The way the world considers you changes. The fact that the persons who proved to be great after being considered can be presented as a publicity stunt, but if the world standing against you is kind of challenging and trying to prove you are better is fun.  But the people who are good enough to stand up against the whole world is not very high. Probably people will commit suicide due to the depression of having the depression than actual depression, because once you are diagnosed of a psychiatric disorder people tend to take more precaution when you interact than the most contagious fatal diseases that are all around this world. Being different psychiatrically is not a bad thing, It is just being a different kind of person, Just like you look different from other people around you. We need to help others. We just need to bring them closer to our heart and help them become more customised to live like what the general majority thinks is the "normal" way to live. Keeping them away just sends them farther apart from the majority.

The world has to change and just let us make it a better place to leave for everyone. Let us hope it will once become like what is good for everyone.

I guess I drifted around the topic too much already and this is what i have for the day... My Friends' Blog can be found here.... It as well as the author might be of help to someone who is in search of the details of Bipolar disorder. SO worth spreading around. Courtesy: Miss. Bee :)

Singapore 2

Singapore though small cannot be a single post... I can talk quite some stuff on it. May be at least my blogging gets better.. Just hope.. ;)

Anyways what do I talk about? The culture here is pretty good, european or american.. whatever you want to call it. Probably it is because the population dominated by professionals and rich people helps, but not just that definitely. Rules helps as well.

Here is place where, when you walk through the road with your dog for a walk you should be carrying a bag with you to clean up in case Dog decides to poop in mid walk. The way discipline is maintained is surprising, provided i hardly see a cop car on the road. How many people will do the same thing somewhere in India where rules are not kept even if a policeman is around, thinking that we can bribe him a small money to prevent yourself from getting fined. May be even the bribe is too high or the penalty for accepting a bribe is too high and risky to attempt it.

Another thing is this is a safe place and a well connected place with good public transport facilities. Last day I was waiting for the public transport, I just noticed a little girl around 8 years old also waiting for the bus all alone. Her name was "eleanor" I think because the book she was reading had it written on it. The thing I was amazed at seeing the confidence and easiness with which she was travelling. I wouldn't be confident enough sent a little girl around like that in India.

But then life here pretty different I say. i had say it does well to keep it tourist friendly and attractive, sometimes it is costly to spend the money to enjoy the attractions. But being on this small island you can see a lot of stuff, some may be a copy of western counterparts, but it has which boasts of being the best or biggest or unique in the SE Asia or the world, some beautiful skylines. May be for a newbie to foreign land does find that a lot interesting.

Life is not bad, when there is places to hang out, when a country is walkable from one end to another in a day or two at max... ;) and you have amazing public transport systems and you have a lot of time to waste and you are lonely. It is fun.. Just fun.. More to come... :)

Singapore.......

Singapore is fine city is one of the most common t-shirt u see when u roam around in Chinatown to pick up one. It is true. Here every silly breaking a rule can be fined well. It has it's own advantages. The discipline does come at a good way. though not very really enforced i see that the rules are kept here whereas other way

When I first came in singapore, I noticed all the people had a different outlook. Being only the second country i'm in, I was definitely amazed when i started and still am. It is a really clean city. But then it is not fully as good as I saw first. But the fact that I come from India did help in me not being bothered by it all. I should say the large number of professionals mostly foreign is definitely helping the modern singapore. But the main difference between India and Singapore is People here consider this their homeland and love it and try to maintain it good, whereas Indians are bothered only about their own things and complains why the garbage they threw on the pavement. The 300 S$ fine does help them to be better, but not just that it is also the outlook of the people.

If you cycle through an underpass here, the fine is a 1000 S$. If you cross the road not through the zebra crossings you can be fined 20 S$. If you feel thirsty in the MRT or Bus and have a sip of water you can be fined 500 S$. But I haven't seen it enforced anywhere but there is a lot of disciplne in the place. Everybody keeps the law mostly, unlike India where people is just checking out, "How the rules can be broken?".

( The casino entrance... there got some money from me too... how much..? that's a small secret)

People are rich here undoubtedly, but the difference is there they are ready to pay taxes or they are forced to because they have a correct and direct way. If you are rich and with your luxury you definitely pay more. If you have a car, that is if you ready to pay a lot of money to auction a COE("Certificate of Entitlement") to own a car for a ten years and to scrap it unless you are to pay again for another COE(don't think "hey we have road tax!", this money is huge), you will end up paying for parking and road usage and like that. People here don't mind it, may be we convert and think. But being willing to pay out so normally is difference in their outlook. But then the money makes the country good.

(one of the many)

The rules here aren't very liberal and it is not simple rule. I can say the media is restricted, duopolies. telephone operators, public transport, casinoes, Mall builders. Don't know no surety of healthy competition here. But nobody is bothered. I guess everybody just bothers their business.

(check out the cheap price tag)

The polity here is also I had say a bit shady may be, but also plans the development. Though there is a lot of restrictions and fines. Gets the feeling everything is good and there is a lot of money flowing around. Seeing a lot of maserattis, porsches, lamborginis, ferraris, bentleys.. Everything has a richness touch to it.. Big malls and all costly and funny. The money is there, but there is a lot of people living normal professional life as well. Can't help feeling suspicious and jealous of a good place i guess. I dunno whatever it is Singapore life feels good.

(A view of singapore skyline at night from top of Marina Bay Sands)

But then Singapore is a cosmopolitan city, they do well mostly. But i cannot say the discrimination based on their origin and race is non-existent. Well nothing can be that perfect, after all they can see me as an intruder that creates a lot of problem to their homeland. I don't want to create a problem here, but i guess I don't look good enough. It always makes me think "Do look like a wicked crook?" or something. I don't blame them. I guess I ain't very handsome either.

Anyways I enjoy the city, had some fun last time 7 months and a small island 43 kms long and 25 kms wide and saw a lot of stuff and i guess though the solitude hurts at times, it was fun and at times i had good company of people around here. I really don't know what to do this time around. Let us just wait and see.

(small model of where I was. The Marina Bay)

I just wish I could do something to make India better, make it get a bit more respect from people, and not just be a cheap and disgusting tourist place where you can spend less money to enjoy a different kind of vacation.

(Another Singapore Night Skyline from top of Marina Bay sands)

Check out more(some are better)pics of singapore on My facebook profile.

http://www.facebook.com/thakks

The professional pathway.. 6 years and counting...

Being a professional was never a dream of mine... may be it was for my parents... The life had no much option anyways talking from a kerala viewpoint for a person who was studying well (by marksheet values). It was just result of me avoiding the opportunity to stand up to a 100 question and chosing to "not to chose myself" when it was important. I didn't want to chose and I didn't stand up to my parents theory for my future..

I should say the 4 years training to be a professional was nothing but just fun of life.. and learning some lessons of lesson never to be forgotten which was worth it. The life in campus with all the people around was memorable. The learning to be professional was not there, Neither was the learning to be an engineer. The "learning" was plagued by problems and learning the extremes to which the glorious "NIT" rulebook which was a compilation of rulebooks available to the rulewriters.

Due to the luck of my ancestors, or due to a mistake somewhere in the equilibrium of the world, i get placed against all odds. If i thought, life was good.. I was proven wrong pretty quickly.. just as the celebration was getting over. I fell into final and critical issue after a long break, as if the mistake in equilibrium was fixing itself.The professional life probability hadn't left me too far, a miracle sends me through to the professional life destroying any chance to escape by a hair's breadth.

Then with no much time left in the clock for joining the dream stream of millions, i get into a train to hyderabad for the first and last time till date... and reach there after a whole 24 hrs of travel and on july 15th 2009, i become a professional "theoretically". and after a fifteen days of training with a lot of things to wonder about and with a lot of things to dream.. actually kind of looked forward into the professional life for the first time in life..

Then started the adventure, an adventure that lets you lose your dreams, but still end up learning a lot. The adventure that has now covered over a astonishing 2 years has consumed mostly all the dreams i had. Reasons like my love for learning more and more and excitement to understand the technology involved is keeping me through the counting time in this(If you think it is kind of a show off statement, I beg to differ, to catch up with people who has learned engineering theoretically in the best institutes of India was difficult for a engineering ignorant like me, and i kind of enjoy catching up..).

But I'll definitely dare and is sad to say that there is a "sword of Damocles" held in its place by a lot of reasons and unhappiness hanging on top of my professional life and if you ask me why I can't tell, because only the good things need to be applauded in public. Bad things should be discussed behind closed doors.

I know not anywhere professional life cannot be too better, but it definitely be better. the better it gets, more happier we get. I have seen a lot of people who are in a worse situation than me, but generally human nature we compare it with the best. There are a lot of better things also in the world. i don't want to search for anything better in my professional life, I'm just bored of it.. I'm disappointed.. I had say after all the "great expectations" I had in the beginning is the root cause of it. May be it was a bit too much to believe the sweet talk blindly, may be i was just wishing too much more than i deserve.

Whatever After two years, I did learn a lot of engineering and lot of life and truths. But now i definitely have no idea where to go and neither do I have any idea "What do I do with my life?" and "What do I want to do with my life?".

Disclaimer: I don't know whether my thoughts felt offensive for anyone or everyone. But this is definitely my feelings and my expressions. Leave me to it.

Mind, choice and the right one.

What makes every creature in this world unique? It is "it's mind". Mind in itself is a poorly identified entity. Mind is sum of all about the thought processes that a creature has. It is the undefined force that rules the neural systems of an organism. It's not just that but also the force that controls the decision of each and every cell individually. Yes that is the God in your system. It is the undefined force that has not revealed itself to the scientists yet. It's what people are constantly in the search of. It's proper definition will be the end of the world as it will define the salvation and the existence of a being. It will lead to a understanding of the force called God and redefine the world. So it will never be defined. That is my mind's opinion

Now you might have a difference of opinion right? You can chose to agree or not. But then there are lot more of choices in front of you. You can chose to partially agree, you can chose to angry at me... etc etc etc... What is the importance of choice? i should say there are a million options that can cross anyones mind. It just one in a million that's chosen. From the advent of life, it's all about the one in a million choice that is taken. The choice is all what matters. Every instant in your life happens based on what you choose. It is your choice that decides how you live.

There is always a choice, which can never be changed, neither can it be left unchosen. It is the choice that makes you unique. It is your choice always how to express yourself or even not to express whatever matters. So what is a right choice?

There is nothing that is right choice. The choice you take might be right for you and wrong for someone else. There is no choice that your mind can take that doesn't affect the world, but only the degree of it matters. So your right choice will not be the correct one and so there is nothing called correct choice. may be you can tell there is a best choice from your side. There will be someone who thinks another choice could have been better, whether you know or not. Every decision you take makes a definite ripple in the world around you, but just the strength of the ripple and the way it affects the others in this world matters. For every force there is an equal and opposite reaction says newtons law likewise every good choice has a equal and opposite bad effect.

Sometimes you might never be bothered, it might not be related to you at all. but sometimes you find yourself at the receiving end of things and you think you made a bad choice. But sometimes you never know, may be you could have made a better choice. But you cannot blame yourself either because you never know. Then you try to make a choice to correct your earlier choice. Does it really negate the effect? not really. A ripple cannot cannot really eliminate another one. May just make the effect lighter.

So be careful when you chose make sure you are making the right choice because a thought before you take a choice might save a lot more than you could ever imagine.

Why did I even write this post. I guess it was my choice to be writing all this in and waste some of the we cloud that google is offering. Some wicked timepass i guess. If you stumbled upon this piece of thought somehow, I hope this helps you in someway.

Kudos

Back to Blogging?

Long time it has been since i blogged... Yes, It has been more than an year.. But then life was that of a social networking addict or kind of living on a virtual world where life is so far away from truth.. The realisation that true life is not very far from what you live and is much farther from what you see on social networks made me deactivate my Facebook account. So good old timepass called blogging is back....

Though I ain't good at my english, just letting out my feelings doesn't hurt and not too many people do actually read my blog... So the feeling of letting out of the system is there and you haven't actually let it out of your system. Is that good enough.

I guess blogosphere will be fun. Hopefully that is better life i enjoy than just trying to gossip and peep into others' life through the world of virtual reality called facebook. Then the virtual network of friends is no longer exciting. Some way through it you feel the fakeness of being in it. But long long time i managed it so that i don't miss a good thing of good people finding me though among thousands of bad things. then one day the hope for that ran out and i deactivated it. Let us hope it is for good.

Let us see what i think.... :)